HOUSTON - You don't expect Adam Sandler to do Shakespeare. When he does, you don't know how to act. On Sunday, the Bengals crushed, I said crushed-can-we-get-an-Amen, the Houston Texans. All over America, NFL Nation looked at its TV screens, saw 38-3 and said, "OK, what really happened?"

The Run For None is done. It's terrible news for the comedy industry. Stock in Jay Leno's monologue is down 15 percent. The talk show boys are reversing themselves so quickly, their tongues are wearing skid marks. Me, I'm lost. A Bengals win is just ... too ... big.

The good news is, the players can go to the supermarket now without wearing funny-nose glasses. Monday's film session won't be like watching The Exorcist VIII. Dave Lapham might actually get a name player on Bengals Line without stuffing him in the trunk of a limo.

"We're still 1-7," noted cornerback Artrell Hawkins. "But 1-7 right now feels pretty good to me."

If you are anyone other than a player, winning is a problem. Winning even a little here encourages complacency. If the Bengals take the magical ride to, say 5-11, Mike Brown will see a 5-4 finish and curl up like a snake that just ate a rat. A few more wins will convince those who run things that things are getting better. Things are not.

The Bengals put you in this ridiculous Catch-22 every year. You want them to win. You don't want them to win four, five or six. Zero-and-16 would have been historic. It also might have swayed some people in power into grudging pro-activity. Now, faced with an improving team thanks to a clicking Jon Kitna, what do you wish for?

For the players who care, Sunday took a load off. From the moment Hawkins stepped in front of Jabar Gaffney and returned an interception 102 yards, the Bengals played like a regular member of the NFL.

Genuine NFL plays were bustin' out all over. Michael Westbrook caught two touchdown passes, at a time when some of us forgot he was on the team. Blind squirrel stuff was routine: a blocked field goal, four touchdown passes, a 21-point halftime lead.

It was the Bengals' Any Given Sunday. The Texans helped. They were expansion-team tragic. Their offense, stuck with a bad line and led by rookie QB David (Yugo) Carr, moved like rush hour. Houston's defense allowed Kitna a 154 rating in the first half. But give the Bengals credit. They were up for the challenge of smacking a team every bit as bad as they are.

Truth is, the Bengals have been OK for two weeks. Kitna has six TD passes and no interceptions, leading you to question again management's decision to sign Gus Frerotte after Kitna finished strong last year.

"I think about that every day," offensive lineman Willie Anderson admitted. "If he'd had four preseason games.... You have to ask that question." As it is, Kitna looked like August in his first two starts, throwing one TD and six interceptions. Now, he looks like Unitas.

"It drives me crazy to think about the past," said Kitna. "You look at the (good) teams. They have some consistency at quarterback."

The Bengals have some consistency, too. They consistently drive you nuts. A 38-7 win over a rookie team was nice, in a solar-eclipse kind of way. But now what?

And here's a question: Where was the guarantee in Week 1?

E-mail: pdaugherty@enquirer.com