The best thing about the Cincinnati Bengals is the bank of nine, 25-inch color televisions bolted to the back wall of the media dining room at Paul Brown Stadium. As soon as the home team's games make the weekly trip to Farceville, you can slip into the eating place for a quick peek at - get this - actual National Football League action.

Sunday, for example, as Pittsburgh's Antwaan Randle El was running back a kickoff for 99 yards against the Bengals, you could watch Brett Favre carve up the New England Patriots. When the Bengals were trying an onside kick in the third quarter - you know you have issues when you're doing that - you were admiring New Orleans QB Aaron Brooks' dissection of Washington's defense.

It was like seeing the Hope Diamond or snow for the first time. Look, Timmy, real football.

"This isn't entertaining if you are a football fan," I heard Randy Cross say during the Bengals broadcast. It's not entertaining if you're doing 30-to-life in the gulag either, bro.

Steelers-Bengals photo gallery

Dick LeBeau decided the Bengals have hope because "we played a decent football game parts of the Cleveland game." And, "we played a decent football game against Indianapolis, particularly from the middle of the second quarter on."

Oh, doctor. Get me Indy-Baltimore on CBS.

It was a great day for an NFL game Sunday. Too bad we didn't have one. "When it could go wrong, it did. There are days like that," LeBeau decided.

Days? Why limit yourself, coach? There are weeks like that. Years. Decades. In the first half Sunday, the Bengals let Jerome Bettis run around like he was surveying the Back 40. An obscurity named Tommy Maddox won his first NFL start, which wouldn't be notable except Maddox is 31 years old.

Randle El's TD return made it 31-0 with 14:47 left in the third quarter. All that remained in the pressbox was to compare this atrocity to previous Bengal atrocities and determine which atrocity was greater.

That, and to sprint to the mess hall, where NFL football was occurring on the TVs.

The Bengals have been outscored 123-17 in the first halves of their games. They're out of games so quickly, they still have time to scalp tickets. Opponents know all they have to do to beat the Bengals is take them seriously for 30 minutes.

Some players care. Occasionally, they speak out. "It's a disgrace," said fullback Lorenzo Neal. "(But) this is who we are. The laughingstock of this league.

"I'm a man. I'm a warrior. I've been raised better than that. I can lose, but lose fighting. For a professional team to do this, there's no excuse for it. You can't look at it as just the coaches. Hold the players accountable, too."

Neal praised Takeo Spikes and Corey Dillon, who have worn the Bengals' Scarlet L longer than most. He wondered how they cope. "It'd drive me to drink," Neal allowed.

Drove me to the TV, Lo'. Colts-Ravens.

What the likes of Neal and Spikes won't say is:

A bunch of folks in the house are stealing money. Management, coaches, players. The larceny isn't limited to the locker room. It's pretty much grand-theft football. The Bengals don't scout well, draft well, coach well or play well. And nobody gets fired. Not ever. That about covers it.

The Bengals play Bye Week next Sunday. They're three-point underdogs in the early line.

"It takes men to battle through it," said Dick LeBeau.

You can say that again, coach. I've been watching this junk 12 years.

The more I think about the Bengals, the less I want to think about them. But I've never quit on an adjective, to say nothing of an adverb. Now if you'll excuse me, Indy is about to beat the Ravens, on TV, in the NFL.

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