The Cincinnati Bengals are 0-3 and going through quarterbacks the way most teams go through medical tape. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Since I am a (closeted, until now) Bengals season-ticket holder, I took it upon myself to find an answer to the QB problem before Warren Sapp turns Akili Smith the quarterback into Akili Smith the bobblehead.

Kevin Flaganan, 16, a cashier at the Cheviot IGA, shows his passing form outside the store. (Brandi Stafford photo) | ZOOM |

        Three years ago, the St.Louis Rams struck gold with Kurt Warner, turning the former supermarket stockboy into an NFL and Super Bowl MVP. So I set out with a football and a notepad to scour the Tristate's supermarkets, food marts, quick stops and groceries in search of pro football's next big thing.

        At the very least, I figured, I could pick up paper bags for my buddies and me to wear over our heads during today's game.

        My first stop was Bigg's in Western Hills. The store's manager, Tommy Brink, knew just the kind of guys I wanted. He led me down Aisle 5 and introduced me to Bill Evers and Jeff Brielmayer.

        Brink told us not to hit any customers with the ball and left.

        The prospective QBs, each in their early 20s, had put in almost eight years in the grocery business. Brielmayer said they've each done most of the jobs in the store.

        “Versatility,” I thought, “the mark of the new-age quarterback.”

        Any hope I felt, however, was dashed when our discussion turned toward the Bengals. I told them the team might need a new quarterback.

        “We're gonna need a lot more than that,” Evers interjected.

        I quickly found out the two were more than just casual observers of Cincinnati's entry in the NFL, and they weren't happy.

        “Yeah, we've both got tickets to the Titans game,” Brielmayer said. “We'd give them away if we could, but nobody wants them.”

        While we tossed in the aisle, an elderly woman approached Brielmayer and asked where she could find cream cheese. He led her around the corner, then re-emerged, with a “Hey, Bill” and a perfect strike to his co-worker.

        Maybe I had found my guys. Maybe Bigg's was the one-stop shop for all my NFL quarterbacking needs. But at 5-feet-9 and 5-11 respectively, Evers and Brielmayer were a little on the short side. Besides, they have a boss who lets them play catch in the back of the store. Who would want to leave that to risk life and limb while being blamed for an entire organization's decade of debacles?

        Needless to say, the search continued.

        The next destination on my “Highway to Mediocrity Tour” was an IGA in Cheviot. Once there I met the owner, Gary Sullivan, an embarrassed season-ticket holder not unlike myself. He introduced me to an employee named Kevin Flanagan.

        Flanagan, a 16-year-old junior at LaSalle, had a sturdy frame and classic Johnny Unitas flat-top. He was 6-2, and by first impression about halfway through a growth spurt. Talk about up-side.

        I began testing the boy's arm in the parking lot and he told me of his days playing for St. Catharine's Grade School in Westwood. He said his teams went 0-70 over seven years. Don't laugh. During those same seven seasons, the Bengals went 36-76. And they got paid.

        Imagine what would happen if ol' Kev bagged only .321 percent of all groceries that came his way ... for seven years. Think Sullivan would still be handing him a paycheck?

        I researched but could find no connection between Mike Brown and St. Catharine's football program.

        Rainy weather and an oil-soaked parking lot made it difficult to test Flanagan's mobility, but I liked the kid's arm strength and accuracy.

        Afterward, Flanagan turned to me and made a confession.

        “I'm really a cashier,” he said, almost regretfully. “I mean, I kind of do a little bit of everything. But I'm not really a stockboy like Kurt Warner was.”

        Cashier? I thought about having him ring up enough grocery bags for all of Section 128. But then I remembered the sentiments of quarterback hopeful No.1, Bill Evers.

        “We're gonna need a lot more than that.”

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