So you're wondering what it's like to be an NFL coach? Try sticking your face in a fan.

        The first weekend of the season was unpredictable and scintillating — the perfect fireworks of gripping finishes for a league that sells itself as a democracy where everyone has a chance.

        But one man's thrilling victory is another man's lost sleep. As all the flip-flops and U-turns whizzed past Sunday, I began thinking about the poor souls on the sidelines having their livers ripped out.

        For the fans, parity is a blast. For the coaches, it's a blast furnace.

        You want to be Cleveland's Butch Davis on Sunday? Lose a game because one of your linebackers rips off his helmet too soon?

        Said Davis: “I'm sick.”

        You want to be Tampa Bay's Jon Gruden? The Buccaneers sent an SUV of draft picks and a suitcase of cash to Oakland to get Gruden, and told him to start winning.

        So he loses when his punter is intercepted trying to pass out of the end zone.

        Said Gruden: “I'm not going to be the one to let this fester.”

        You want to be Danny Smith? He was brought in last year to restore competence to Buffalo's infamous special teams.

        So the Bills lose this season's opener when some guy from the New York Jets returns two kickoffs for touchdowns. The second ended overtime faster than you can unwrap a stick of gum.

        Bled Smith: “I apologize to our football team. I apologize to the Buffalo Bills organization. I apologize to the fans.”

        You want to be Dave Campo? He is fighting for survival in his third year as the Dallas Cowboys' coach, caretaker of America's Team.

        America's Team? The Cowboys aren't even Texas' Team.

        The loss to expansion rookie Houston couldn't have been any more embarrassing had the Cowboys' pants fallen down during pregame introductions.

        Expansion teams don't win their first game, not since 1961. Expansion teams lose 43-0, like Cleveland did a few years ago.

        But on the first play from scrimmage, the Cowboys had a 43-yard pass interference penalty. The night never got much better.

        You want to be Brian Billick, a Super Bowl champion two years ago but now coaching a team that scores one touchdown and loses to Carolina, which last year went 1-15?

        Even the mighty get bad news. St. Louis lost 23-16, another sign Mike Martz's unstoppable playbook is starting to be solved by the rest of the league.

        And even the winners get wounded. Steve Spurrier cut his finger trying to rip off his headset. His shiny new Washington offense almost lost because he had to use his backup quarterback to kick off.

        (Meanwhile, the Redskins were outscored by the San Diego Chargers, who are coached by Marty Schottenheimer, the fuddy-duddy fired by the Redskins to make room for Spurrier's sleek ways. But, I digress).

        If there is any consolation, fate tends to work like a coin toss in the NFL — at random. The winners will come up losers, and the other way around. Bliss and trouble will trade places.

        Probably next Sunday.

        ———

        Mike Lopresti writes for Gannett News Service.

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