Friday, February 09, 2001
Call them Bad News Bengals
San Diego cops arrested Bengals quarterback Akili Smith early Thursday for what's being called “investigation of drunken driving.” What that means, apparently, is that Smith was suspected of sipping something heftier than Cherry Smash.
They found the Bengals' future driving the wrong way down a one-way street. While that is illegal, it's also a darned good metaphor for the club that pays his salary.
Say this for Smith: He's in synch with his bosses.
He's definitely with the program.
This should be, pardon the pun, a sober discussion about the Bengals' ongoing woes, Smith's wacky sense of direction being just the latest example. But really, the Cincinnati Bengals are beyond the realm of sober discussion. They are one long, unbroken line of woe. They are the Everest of woe. They could win the Woe-lympics.
Expected ineptitude
It's always something with the Bengals, and it's never good. But really, what did you expect from a franchise that's in court with its own ticketholders?
By the way, did you know that Don Schumacher, the man who led the team's campaign to market personal seat licenses, has dropped his company's four season tickets? Schumacher didn't get the seats he expected, either. Imagine hosing the guy who helped you fill your stadium. Incredible.
But we digress.
In six months, Akili Smith has gone from savior to silent to supposedly un-sober. He's falling faster than the NASDAQ. He's following the Ryan Leaf fast track to NFL stardom. Maybe since Tremain Mack just got out of jail Wednesday — for a probation violation following a drunk driving offense — Smith felt he was upholding Bengals tradition.
Get another player or two in heat with the law, the Bengals could form a conga line from the courthouse to the jail.
You have to laugh.
“The club is aware of the report that Akili Smith was arrested early today,” came the Bengals response. “If the information is accurate, this is a matter that Akili will have to handle with the proper authorities. It is the club's policy not to comment further on legal charges until such matters are resolved in the courts.”
In other words: It's not our problem.
Only it is. Or, rather, it will be. Scott Mitchell won't be brilliant forever.
Dodgy drafts
Perhaps the Bengals missed a spot when they dusted Smith's character before the draft two years ago. It could be the same spot they've missed over and over for a decade, with other guys we've all known and loved, from Reggie Rembert to Freddie Childress to Dan Wilkinson to Tremain Mack.
It couldn't be the fault of the team's scouting “department,” though. They're as thorough as everyone else. All two of them.
Let's make a deal: I'll promise not to take the Bengals seriously if you don't. Mike Brown can laugh all the way to the bank; why can't we laugh at what Brown has created? Laughing is good for the soul. With the Bengals, it's the appropriate emotion. Plus, it beats the alternative.
As for poor Akili Smith: Being hauled in for “investigation of drunken driving” is not what they mean by “offseason workout.”
As for Smith driving the wrong way down a one-way street: He's a Bengal. What'd you expect?
Paul Daugherty welcomes your comments at (513) 768-8454.
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DAUGHERTY: Call them Bad News Bengals