Pumping up the Bengals

Pumping up the Bengals
Frustrated fans suggest everything from song and dance to raw meat and a special prayer
Friday, November 20, 1998

"We're not together yet as a team. But we shouldn't go into a panic. There's no need to go into a panic."
- Bengals quarterback Jeff Blake, after the team's 24-17 preseason loss to the New York Giants on Aug. 8.

Rev. Harry J. Gerdes wrote a prayer to help the team

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Fifteen frustrating weeks later, this much is clear:
It's time to panic.
It's time for the Bengals to throw caution to the wind, where it probably will be intercepted and returned for a touchdown. But what the heck. Things can't get much worse, can they?
With just two wins in their first 10 regular season games, the Bengals are in last place in their division.
Again.
They have no hope of reaching the playoffs.
Again.
They are desperately searching for answers.
Again.
So we began searching, too. Not for better players, better coaches or better management. Too late for that.
We went looking for ways to motivate this sad-sack team in time for Sunday's home game against the Baltimore Ravens, who are 3-7 and almost as hapless as the Bengals.
The following suggestions are, shall we say, a tad unconventional. Still, we hope the team gives them careful consideration. After all, a city's psyche is at stake.

Students at St. Jude Elementary School scream: 'Go Bengals!'

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From the mouths of bases
The Bengals might seek divine intervention from St. Jude Thaddeus, the patron saint of lost causes and hopeless cases.
Like the Bengals and Rodney Dangerfield, St. Jude got no respect. He was an outcast, because he often was confused with Judas Iscariot, the disciple who betrayed Jesus.
So, we asked St. Jude Elementary School students in Bridgetown to help. We posed this question:
What should the Bengals do to win a game?

"I think all of the fans should throw a big pep rally and get them all excited, so when they go out on the field, they'll be all aggressive and stuff." - Rachel Trame, 7, Grade 2.

"Memorize their plays, and get better ones." - George Grodi, 9, Grade 3.

"Eat good food, like fruit. Exercise. Get to bed on time. Practice at their house." - Tommy Conners, 7, Grade 1.

"They need to play harder and practice harder and listen to their coach." - Brittany Siegel, 6, Grade 1.

"I think they need to stop fumbling and pass more often. The quarterback should pass before he gets sacked. They probably couldn't do this, but trade for Deion Sanders." - Chelsea Groh, 8, Grade 3.

"Believe in themselves. Throw the ball down the field. Get sticky stuff on their hands, so they can catch the ball." - Steven Merk, 7, Grade 2.

"They need to have lots of prayers before the game." - Nick Chouteau, 8, Grade 3, who made the winning kick to send his Grade 3 and 4 soccer team to the state semifinals Saturday at Milford.

And now a word from some Mike Browns
Despite the losing streak, lots of folks wouldn't mind stepping into Bengals President Mike Brown's shoes. None are more apropos than those sharing his name. Here's what some local Mike Browns would do:

Mike Brown of Milford: "I'd sell my part (of the team) and go into the bagel business."

Mike Brown of Greenhills: "I would put (Paul) Justin in the quarterback spot. Give him a couple of weeks to see what he can do. Obviously, (Neil) O'Donnell isn't the answer. Jeff Blake plays hard, but he doesn't have the size."

Mike Brown of Cherry Grove: "I don't think there's any reason to try to win right now. The season is already pretty pathetic. There's nothing to lose by putting some of the younger guys out there who haven't seen a lot of the field."

Mike Brown of Madeira: "I'd relinquish control and bring in a football management team with expertise."

Rah! Rah! Zis-Boom-Bah!
The Bengals Fight Song has the motivational power of a sleeping pill.
"Anything that you guys come up with will be more interesting, I'm sure," says Joel Moss, creative services director at WEBN-FM, who provided us with the original song.
Bengals Fight Song (the real version)
Hear that Bengal growlin', (purr) mean and anger-y.
Here he comes a-prowlin' (purr) lean and hunger-y.
An offensive brute.
Run, pass or boot.
And defensively, he's rough! (purr) Tough! (purr)
Cincinnati's Bengals,
That's the team we're going cheer to vic-to-ry.
Touchdown Bengals!
Get some points up on that board
And win a game for Cincinnati.
The (New! Improved!) Bengals Fight Song
(To be sung in the key of Desperation Minor; sopranos should transpose to the key of Pitifully Major.)
Hear those fans a grumblin', (groan) fed up and anger-y.
Tickets cost a bundle ($&#*!). It's like larceny.
The offense is kaput.
Run or pass, they boot.
And defensively, they muff! (purr) Enough! (purr)
Cincinnati's citizens
Pay your taxes now before the time upon us creeps
Paul Brown Stadium!
When the team moves one block west they'll rank
Right at the bottom of the heap!
We're the Bungles mired in (yawn) mediocrity
We can't punt pass kick or (groan) gain more than 40
There's not much to cheer.
Just two wins this year.
We cannot seem to play tough (whew) What's D? (puff)
Cincinnati's Bengals
They're the team that will go down in his-to-ry
For hauling in those fat contracts
And sprinting all the way...to the bank!
Raw meat. Maybe that's it.
Heaven knows it works for Cathryn Hilker's big cats. Maybe it will work for Mike Brown's pussycats.
Ms. Hilker, director of the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden's Cat Ambassador Program, doesn't work with Bengal tigers (she's a cheetah specialist) but she does know a thing or two about motivating big cats.
"The first thing in working with any organism," she said in the zoo's exercise yard where she was giving 13-month-old Moya a workout, "is identify what they do best. Mountain lions jump, for example.
"Cheetahs? They run. The trick is getting them to do it when you want them to.
"You do that by making them think it's the most fun in the world to do what I want when I want. That requires psychological conditioning." Enter raw meat. Armed with a pouch full of meat chunks the size of stew meat, she swings a ball on a string. Moya bolts into full chase. Ms. Hilker withdraws the ball and Moya's at her side, purring and waiting for his chunk of meat.
"Does this reward system work on humans? I would think so.
"There are two things to remember: The first is small steps. With Moya, I started out holding out his teddy bear, then yanking it back. Then I tossed it around the room (Moya lived at her home when he arrived here in August). Finally, I took him to my horse pasture to try it, and it worked.
"If steps are too large, you're setting them up to fail.
"The other thing is never reward the wrong behavior."
Like so: Moya came for his meat and jumped on her, ignoring the hand Ms. Hilker held up (Moya's sign to back off). No meat for Moya. Ms. Hilker backed up and held the hand up again. This time, Moya waits. Mmmm. Meat for Moya.
"You just can't give them the same reward for success and failure." Meaning no raw meat for the Bengals when they lose?
Not a whiff.
Punt, pass and flicks
One thing the Bengals do not need is more tension. Relax! Laugh! Get those endorphins swooping around your bloodstream! And what better way to loosen up than with some hoot-worthy sports flicks, like these:

The Waterboy - If nothing else, the ballet-inspired "tackles" executed by Adam Sandler's stuntmen are sure to grab your giggle reflex.

Jerry Maguire - Money, sex, romance, endorsement deals, nutty owners, humiliated agents, failure, triumph and dancing in the end zone. What's not to relate to?

Slap Shot - Forget football for a minute. Think hockey. Think cursing, brawling, high-sticking, spectacular crashes, intimidation, black eyes and missing teeth - and Paul Newman for a coach. Very profane, very rowdy and very, very funny. Plus, they win!

It beats spiking the football
Maybe a funky end-zone dance is in order. The team hasn't been the same since Ickey Woods shuffled on out of here in 1992.
The dance doesn't have to be complicated. It doesn't even have to be funky. How about a simple two-step?
Step One: Stand on the 1-yard line.
Step Two: Jump (saunter, skip, dive, leap, hurdle, somersault, run, twist, flip, roll, crawl) into the end zone.
Crack a book, make some blocks
The helpful clerk at Brentano's Bookstore at Tower Place said the Bengals need better scouting - not motivational books. But she pointed out a few possibilities anyway.

The Pep Talk: Motivational Morsels for Inspiring You to Succeed (Zander Press; $8.95) by Alexander Lockhart. Read this to find out how you can quit being a "Wishawooda" to a "Gladidid" ("wish I would have" vs. "glad I did").

< The Complete Idiot's Guide to Reaching Your Goal (Alpha Books; $16.95) by Jeff Davidson. Need we say more?

The Little Engine That Could (Platt & Munk; $6.99) by Watty Piper. All together now: "We think we can, we think we can, we think we can, we think we can . . . "

Do Less, Achieve More (Regan Books; $18) by Chin-Ning Chu, an Eastern philosopher.

The Packer Way: Nine Stepping Stones to Building a Winning Organization (St. Martin's Press; $23.95) by Ron Wolf, executive vice president and general manager of the Green Bay Packers. Hey, if you can't beat 'em, steal their philosophies.

Play to Win! by Larry and Hersch Wilson (Bard Press; $24.95), which includes this advice: Play not to lose.

Better lucky than good
Some of the best players in the NFL are superstitious.
Last year Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers, played his quarterback position with a rubber band around a wrist. "The same rubber band," says Jeff Ash, sports editor of the Green Bay Press-Gazette. "His daughter, who was 7 or 8, gave it to him. He wore it all season long." Mr. Favre's team made it all the way to last January's Super Bowl,then lost to Denver.
Hmmmmm. Maybe Bengals' three quarterbacks should go the rubber band route.
Making scents of football
A win could be right under the Bengals' noses, says Connie Lasorso, owner of Whatever Works Wellness Center and Bookstore in Silverton. Aromatherapy might be the key.
Start with Herbal Essentials aromatherapy oils ($6.50 per half-ounce), which feature different proportions of rose, patchouli, orange, jasmine and musk.
There are actual oils labeled: "inspiration" (to win), "protection" (against the Ravens) and "good luck."
"I recommend putting a little bit on a piece of cotton ball and sticking it in their shoes," Ms. Lasorso says. "And even if the oils don't work, it certainly can't hurt to have better smelling shoes."
The night before the game, she recommends that players light Crystal Journey Angel Influence candles.
"There's one for positive energy," she says. "And one for manifesting a miracle, which the Bengals need right now. And, last but not least, there's a power and confidence candle." (Votives are $1.50 each.)
Help from a higher power
The Rev. Harry J. Gerdes, pastor of St. Joseph Catholic Church in North Bend and a Bengals season-ticket holder, offers this prayer:
MONDAY MORNING OFFERING BENGAL HIGHLIGHTS
It's not true that the Bengals don't have a prayer. Here's one! If it works?
Lord, Hear our prayer.
Lady Luck, you forgot our date in Minnesota!
Come to me all you who are thirsty, I will refresh you! Father Time, you lengthened the game to four quarters!
Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!
The referee's quandary - forward pass or fumble?
Lord, where were you when I needed you?
The Bengals' red zone sign: No Trespassing?
Father, forgive us our trespasses, and lead us not into temptation!
The Bengals are hungry for a win, so they sent Coach Coslet out to order a Three Way to satisfy the Three-Way Quarterback competition!
Lord, fill their hearts with a win!
We're praying for another Boomer Completion, and Flutie is throwing Hail Marys in Buffalo.
Where were you when we needed you, Lord?
Make a wish - Arrange for the Second Coming of Paul Brown!
The Lord said, "I will be with you till the end of time!"
We need to Passover the defense to score on the opposition!
The Lord sent out his 12 and won, and our 12 missed the pass-over!
Sticks and stones will break our bones, but names will never hurt.
We love you Bengals!
John Johnston, Reon Carter, Mark Curnutte, John Kiesewetter, Jim Knippenberg, Cindy Kranz, Sue MacDonald and Margaret A. McGurk contributed to this report.

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